Chapter 13 of Joe’s “Hypnotic Writing” book is what he calls a controlled study in hypnotic writing.
There’s a before and after sales letter for an Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) product.
I’ll post the headline and lead for both versions (original one first):
MONEY BEYOND BELIEF!
Moments from now, you could be transforming your relationship to money, creating greater freedom to attract as much of it as you desire!
Are you ready . . . ?
If you’re struggling with money, it’s not your fault.
Parents, society, movies, and even your friends are programming you to stay in a poverty mind set. They aren’t doing it on purpose. They aren’t evil. They were simply programmed and are passing the virus down the line, to you.
And the hypnotically re-written version:
If you want to create money beyond belief the spiritual way- even if nothing’s worked for you in the past:
Give Us 151 Minutes, and We’ll Show You 9 Ancient “Taps” that Lead to Breathtaking Wealth and Abundance – or You Don’t Pay a Penny.
Each Tap Lasts Just 3 Seconds. We’ll Walk You Through Over 217 Combinations – But Just One of Them Can Transform Your Relationship to Money Forever.
Hard to believe? Let us prove it to you. If our Money Beyond Belief! Home Tapping System doesn’t heal your deepest beliefs about money, we’ll refund 100% your purchase (yes, that’s cash back in your pocket – how’s that for abundance?) on the spot.
You can see both the full letters at these URLs respectively:
Joe says the first one barely made 100 sales in 100 days. The second made $8,500 in one day. And both were the same offer sent to the same list.
So what’s the difference?
A couple of thoughts:
The first one doesn’t have a real headline. The sentence that follows it is extremely vague. The second one promises a benefit, uses specificity AND curiosity and has a guarantee all rolled into one.
The first one uses a lot of negative positioning like telling the reader he might be struggling or stuck. Even if you say it doesn’t have to be that way, you’re telling him that it currently IS that way.
The second letter is full of hope giving words such as heal, believe, abundance, prove, imagine and offers their money back guarantee in the headline AND the lead. I don’t really see any NLP patterns other than presuppositions and a little future pacing in the second paragraph. Even so, it’s magnitudes better than the first. No doubt, some patterns would increase their conversion even more.
If you scroll through them, the first isn’t even a real sales letter. There’s no real call to action other than the order links spread throughout. It comes across as a pushy car salesman with ADD. It’s a little surprising it got any sales at all.
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What else do you notice about these two letters?